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the green light

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2/12/07 02:52 am - crisis

ever felt like you just weren't meant to be a teenager?

1/6/07 03:05 pm - pensive

I'm fairly sure something is wrong with me. "Emotionally unavailable" doesn't even seem to cut it and I fear a remission. I spent too long fighting stuff like this off to have it all go to waste. I've realized that most people I know don't actually know me very well, or at all, come to think of it. The front that I put up for most people can be fairly deceiving and I hate to be thought of as a deceitful person.

I've been thinking about the ideas of "love" and "fate" lately. I was watching the movie "Love and Sex" the other night (possibly the best/most accurate relationship movie ever) and this quote is still stuck in my head:
"Two people can be perfect for each other but if the timing's wrong its never going to work out. Bad timing is the reason that most normal people end up single. Weirdos and creeps are single cos they are weird and creepy but people like us are single because of bad timing. "
I have a habit of getting attached to people who most likely are just not right for me. I hate to think that I've fallen into the category of "women who like assholes/badasses/unavailable men" but it seems to be too late. All the cumulating events of the past year have just turned me into a jaded, cynical person, which is very different than how I used to be. I've come a long way from my days as a hopeless romantic, a believer that fate would deliver us straight into the arms of our "true love".

The question that I've been pondering over lately is this:

In life, is there one person- one "soulmate" if you will, that we're supposed to end up with in the end? Or are there lots of people out there who we could potentially be happy with? Is timing everything and are we victims of circumstance? Or can you take any path in life and eventually they all lead to one person?

12/12/06 09:12 pm - it's been a while

Sorry for the long hiatus. I know it's been a while, but I figured it was time to revisit for old time's sake. Actually, I'm in the mood for a bit of a rant and perhaps feedback can be given.

Lately I feel like I have the word "HOMEWRECKER" stamped to my forehead. Not that I actually do anything, but it seems to be a common assumption. A few weeks ago, my friend DK (who's been dating this girl since the summer) stood me up to hang out for 3 nights in a row. Finally, I asked what was going on and he said that "it wouldn't be fair to his girlfriend" (ie- what actually happened is that she told him he couldn't hang out with me anymore). This caught me off guard for a number of reasons, but mainly because he had confided in me earlier that he wasn't into the relationship very much anymore and was starting to get bored. The next thing that irked me is that I feel like our friendship never meant much to him in the first place. I have trouble respecting a guy who gets led around on a leash by some bitch. I don't even want to imagine what I would do if my boyfriend told me I couldn't hang out with one of my friends anymore. He tried to seek me a out a few days ago and I proceeded to tell him off for his immature behavior- all of which he admitted to (go figure). Anyways, point being, DK has achieved "bitch" status in my mind and his girlfriend sucks (note- all of his friends agree with me on this one).

Second point of order: It was my ex MH's birthday a few days ago. I haven't seen or spoken to him in maybe a year and a half, but I left him a facebook wall message saying nothing more than "Happy birthday, if you're home for break we should catch up." The next day, I see that my wall post has been deleted and he has de-friended me on facebook. I send a message asking him what's up and his response is "my girlfriend doesn't like me being in contact with my ex's." Now, I could understand her worrying if we actually saw each other or spent ANY amount of time together at all. More than anything, I'm offended for the same reasons offered in case 1, but also because I spent a good chunk of my high school life with this boy and we go way back- as friends too. I just don't understand boys today. What's so appealing about a man who can't stand up for himself?

So here I am, hated by girlfriends of friends, trying to write a research paper and listening to the people who live above me do something that sounds like tumble down a flight of stairs. Less than a week til home. Yes.

7/5/06 12:23 am - ^_^

My parents met my boyfriend and they liked him a lot. 


7/4/06 02:57 am - happy birthday to me...

What a fantabulous long weekend. Quite busy too, but so much fun. Saturday was spent strolling around on the mall at the Smithsonian Folklife Festival, where it was way too hot and the most interesting thing to see was a tractor with huge wheels. Sunday, Erik took me to Ocean City, where the term "redneck" was quickly and amazingly re-defined for me. All I know now, is that its simply not enough to be a 300 pound man with the skin the color of a tomato, lots of biker tattoos and a cigarette dangling out the side of your mouth- you need the confederate flag towel draped off of your balcony too. Also, there should be a legal limit to which people are allowed to walk around wearing just shorts or bikini tops. *shudder* OC was lots of fun though... I felt like a kid with ADHD who forgot to take his meds that morning. So many lights and games and more lights... Needless to say, lots of skeeball was played. 
Today (well, yesterday) was spent together in Baltimore. Yay for aquariums! Uhm, not much else to report on that one... fish are fish. Now, for some reason it's 3 am and I'm not a bit sleepy. I've been 19 for 3 hours and it feels just the same as being 18. Not so "barely legal" anymore. 

I'm going to watch "Independence Day" for the millionth time on tv. 

6/22/06 10:23 pm - time for another update

Whew. It's the first early night I've had in quite some time. It's nice being at home, chilling out on the couch in pajamas, watching "Rocketman" (possibly the stupidest movie ever created) with my dad. Mother dearest has been in LA and Seattle all week and it's been almost fun keeping house. The whole making dinner every night and cleaning up part could be more enjoyable, but oh well, c'est bon. 
In recent news, work is going well. All of my co-workers are really chill and everyone gets along quite well. Not too many horror stories, at least, nothing that one wouldn't expect. I realized today that my birthday is in less than 2 weeks. Weird. Very weird. Pity that the 19th year doesn't have any particular signifigance. Then again, my 18th was spent in Amsterdam, the #1 city where age REALLY doesn't have much meaning. It'll be nice to be home for bbqs and people I love... mmm.

Life is good.

6/14/06 01:09 am - reasons why today was wonderful:

* All is well.
* I won the lottery (yes, seriously.)
* GORGEOUS weather.
* I didn't have to go to work.
* Lunch with my wonderful boyfriend.
* I discovered that I am NOT hallucinating and there are in fact huge light-up ads in the metro tunnels. 
* I kicked the Express paper sudoku's ass.
* I dug out my Nikon FG and fixed it up so I can start doing more black and white photography. Now to  set up the darkroom again...
* One of my best friends came home today.
* Dinner with my wonderful boyfriend and lots of drawing with crayons on the table cloth ^_^
* I am so in love.

6/6/06 01:04 am - one year ago...

* I was graduating high school. Now I'm going to be a college sophmore? Something must have gotten mixed up.
* I was having communication issues.
* My journal sounded like that of the kinds of girls who I now cannot stand.
* Discovered Keane.
* I had blonde highlights. *shudder*
* I was struggling through a melodramatic and drawn-out breakup.
* I met Bob Dole while working for the Army.
* I must have done something stupid or weird because my journal stops making sense.
* I spent the best two weeks in Europe with my best girl friends.
* I was reminiscing about the year before. 

6/5/06 01:17 am - my life

6/1/06 01:44 am - untitled


Once upon a time a man looked up at the sky and saw exactly what he expected to see

The saddest day of his life

Was when he stopped dreaming and instead, believing

Shapes and patterns faded into orbit

Clouds passed and unfurled in front of his eyes

Leaving the clear crisp night exposed and

Naked for the eye to see

He bent down and cried

On his knees, bowed to the heavens above

Unable to understand why this gift had passed him by

It had all been so diluted until yesterday

Caught in his fear, twisted and tangled

Where did all those questions go?

That longing to explore and know

Replaced questions with answers

To those riddles which are never meant to be solved

Did you see the face of the man

Perched high in the sky with that top hat

No, he vanished with the coming of the years

To this day he drifts along no longer aware

Is it magic?

Perhaps once, it was. 
There's no such thing.

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